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College Humor - Student Jokes

Our fabulous collection of interesting college jokes that may help distract you from that awful assignment you need to get in tomorrow!!!!

Category: College Humor Jokes about: university funny quotes etc etc

 

Bumper Stickers - 4

If you can do the time, you can do the crime.


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Joke of the Day

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell 'She's Dead' at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal 'spud head'. Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not charge admission to the bathroom. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. Organ transplants are best left to professionals. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I will not skateboard in the halls. Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.


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Miscellaneous Joke

A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American FartsLearning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is atraditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifyingthe source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being 'Who smelled it, dealt it, 'or 'The smeller's the feller. 'Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xeroxpublication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the linesof Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attemptedin print. Tentatively, then, we present the following. Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa1880 - see also 'SBD's'). Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginismfrequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceledpride. Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger andpermeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariablyanonymous, having left the room. Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, atleast to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of aseries; originator betrays disappointment. Fudgies: See Wet Ones. One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usuallysignified BY the the artist's 'tilting'. Ricocheting off metal 'bridgechairs' or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produceblushes, giggles, glares. Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lackingsonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged. SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law ofConservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities iscompensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanismresponsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing aboutsuspiciously. Screamers: High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishingduration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomatesor frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat. Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks. Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for allconcerned. Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples areaccompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporouscontent. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walkingfunny. Whiffers: see Poohs.


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Cat Joke

Which big cat should you never play cards with ? A cheetah !


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Spoof Joke

Never slap a man who chews tobacco. There are many many more asses in the world than donkeys. Wooden legs are not hereditary, wooden heads are. Free cheese is always in a mouse trap. An ugly carpet will last forever.


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Men Joke

Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? A. In the pages of a romance novel.


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Humor Joke

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems. She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, ' Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to. 'The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead. So she tells him, 'six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine. 'The man scratches his head and says, 'your right, I can't top that. ' and he pays her the five dollars. Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has '3


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Dog Joke - 2

Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.


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Bumper Stickers - 7

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.


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Blonde Joke - 3

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!



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