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College Humor - Student Jokes

Our fabulous collection of interesting college jokes that may help distract you from that awful assignment you need to get in tomorrow!!!!

Category: College Humor Jokes about: student work experience etc etc

 

Spoof Joke

A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem. The counselor asked, 'Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?''Uhh, no, I guess not, ' the husband replied. 'That happens with many married couples, ' the counselor replied. 'I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her. . . fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband. ''That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening. 'So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, 'We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!'His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. 'What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what's the matter?' the husband cried. 'Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now. . . (sniff)(sniff). . . now. . . ' she broke off and sobbed deeply. 'Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me. ' the husband begged. 'And now, you come home drunk!!!!'


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Easter Joke

Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee? It's a tender tail!


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Totally Weird Joke

Q. What did God say after creating Adam A. I must be able to do better than that. Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A. They won't stop to ask for directions. Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q. How are men and parking spots alike? A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common? A. They are all married.


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Funny College Joke

Words From Famous Women . . . 'I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. . . and I also know that I'm not blonde. ' - Dolly Parton 'I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. ' - Roseanne 'My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. ' - Rita Rudner 'He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant' - CarolLeifer 'I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. ' - Wendy Liebman 'I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. ' - Roseanne 'I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?' - Wendy Liebman 'I think-therefore I'm single' - Lizz Winstead 'Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. ' - Hedy Lamarr 'When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. ' - Elayne Boosler 'I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. ' - Gilda Radner 'Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. '- Maryon Pearson 'Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. ' - Bella Abzug 'In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. ' - Margaret Thatcher 'I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. ' - Gloria Steinem 'Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. ' - Gloria Steinem 'Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. ' - Katharine Hepburn 'I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. ' - Marie Corelli 'If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?' - Linda Ellerbee 'I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. ' - Zsa Zsa Gabor


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Knock Knock Joke - 1

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Aardvark.
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles.


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Naughty Joke

AMNESIA:Condition that enables a woman who has gone throughlabor to have sex again.


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Fun Funny Joke

How do you make a hot dog stand?Steal its chair.


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Christmas Joke - 1

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !


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Love and Marriage Joke

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so 'matter-of-fact' about the whole thing all during the trial. 'Mrs. Roth, ' he began, 'was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband ?' 'Well. . . yeah. . . I guess. . . ' she replied. 'And when was that?' pressed the attorney. 'Well. . . , ' she replied, 'when he asked for his third cup. '


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Law Joke

Noticing they were having engine trouble, the pilot instructed the crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few moments later, the pilot asked the attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

'We're all set back here, Captain,' an attendant replied. 'Except for one criminal lawyer who is still going around passing out his business cards. '



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