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College Humor - Student Jokes

Our fabulous collection of interesting college jokes that may help distract you from that awful assignment you need to get in tomorrow!!!!

Category: College Humor Jokes about: student girls etc etc

 

Computer Joke

Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? Because it is below C level.


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Face Joke

Wife to Husband: I'll have you know I've got the face of a teenager! Husband to Wife: Then you should give it back, you're wearing it out.


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Blonde Joke - 2

Q. ) What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other? A. ) An air mattress.


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Police Joke

'Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document. '

'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired. '

'Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun. '

'So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

'Warning! You want a warning? O. K. , I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop. '

'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven. '

'Just how big were those two beers?'

'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want. '

'I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail. '

'In God we trust, all others are suspects. '


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Satire Joke

At the marriage counselor's office, the woman complained, 'What's-his-name here says I don't give him enough attention. '


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Christmas Joke - 1

The similarities between Santa and System Admins1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, 'Elves make it for me. '5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.


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College Humor

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one of them $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, 'I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much. 'The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and stereo and gives them to the man. She says, 'I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much. 'The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says, 'I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much. 'The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.


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Police Joke

Subject: You Deserve a Break TodaySan Francisco (UPI)--In what legal observers are already calling a landmark decision in the case of Jackson v. California, the California Supreme Court has recognized for the first time a constitutional right to chicken done right. The high court held that under the the due process clause and the constitutional prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph Jackson, a prisoner at the California Men's Correctional Institue at Camarillo, is entitled to food 'of fair average quality, ' or 'comparable to the fare at a modest restaurant or fast-food chain. 'Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq au Vin . . . .


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Strange Humor

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help. 2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs. 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4:00 p. m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing 'Put me in my little bed' accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5:00 p. m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. 11. The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water. ' One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be 'What is hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.


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Computer Joke

BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in 'Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit. 'BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill. BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list. CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals. COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in 'You %@& computer!'DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip. DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer. ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom 'just to look. ' EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals. FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes. FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see 'CHIPS'). HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer. IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant. PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up. RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider. TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software. TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers. WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.



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