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College Humor - Student Jokes

Our fabulous collection of interesting college jokes that may help distract you from that awful assignment you need to get in tomorrow!!!!

Category: College Humor Jokes about: student articles etc etc

 

Funny Famous Joke

*** Actual 'bloopers' Doctor's have written on patient charts. ***1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 14. She is numb from her toes down. 15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 16. The skin was moist and dry. 17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 18. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy. 22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. 23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


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Book title Joke

Losing an Electric Drill by Andy Gadget


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Business Joke

'Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other policeman protests. 'While we're doodling, ' he points out, 'he is making his getaway. ' 'Relax, ' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too, don't he?''


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Children Joke

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, 'The computer wants to know what your name is, ' then she walked over to the next child. The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, 'My name is David. '


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Blonde Joke - 1

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time? A: She asked her husband if they needed to get married again.


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Gender Joke

The story of someone getting a haircut. Women's version:Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version:Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah.


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Funny College Joke

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors. ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar. Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 'Yes' and 'No' ARE perfectly acceptable answers. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor. Check your oil. Don't give us rules. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become 'null' and void anfter 2 days. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!


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Movie and TV Joke

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.


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Animal World

Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as fast.


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Mad Joke

by : Scott Corliss 1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan 2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan 3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior 4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare 5. Walden as read by James Watt 6. The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky 7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman 8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes 9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti 10. Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy 11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms 12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson 13. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian 14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman 15. Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace 17. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew 18. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner 19. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson 20. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton 21. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson 22. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter 23. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern 24. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh 25. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett 26. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain 27. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon 28. Moby Dick as read by Jonah 29. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf 30. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown 31. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson 32. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot



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