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College Humor - Student Jokes

Our fabulous collection of interesting college jokes that may help distract you from that awful assignment you need to get in tomorrow!!!!

Category: College Humor Jokes about: political humor etc etc

 

Zoo Joke

An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events. Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, 'Have you looked in the yellow pages'? The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately. To his surprise, under 'animal capturing service' he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately. Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door. 'Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?', the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. 'Hop in the truck', the little man said. The director did and they drove off. Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground. The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles. The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat. 'Now, ' the little man said, 'I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knoc k the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him. The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said 'I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?' The little man said, 'Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!'


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Dirty Joke

Q: How does a horny guy spell relief? A: B-L-O-N-D-E.


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Elephant Joke

What animals were last to leave the ark ? The elephants as they had to pack their trunks !


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Animal World

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best bookon elephants. The British submited a dry historical account 'The Elephant and the British Empire. 'The French submited a text 'The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account. 'The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled 'An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear. 'The Americans submited an article from 'Money' magazine: 'Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s'Green-Peace submited a counter-entry 'Elephants -- they're better than People'The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled 'The superiority of the Soviet Elephant'And submited a poem 'The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant. 'But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier 'We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead'


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Legal Humor

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. 'Damn, ' he says. 'I forgot to lock the office safe before we left. ' His partner replies ' What are you worried about? We're both here. '


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Easy to Remember Joke

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together. Can I borrow that quarter, 'cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in loveWhat's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me. Are your legs tired? 'cause you been running through my mind ALL day long. Are you lost? 'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven. Is your father a thief? 'cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says 'yes')Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?What's that in your eye? Oh. . . it's a sparkle. If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven. Do you like raisins? How about a date?So. . . How am I doin'?I miss my teddy bear. . . Would you sleep with me?You look great and all, but do you know what'd really look good on you? Me. Could I get some directions? ('To where?') To your heart. Is it hot in here, or is it just you?If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes. Can I flirt with you?Hi, my name's _____, but you can call me 'lover'. (another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? 'cause I just want to call your mother and thank her. (lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes. What do you like for breakfast?Say, did we go to different schools together?Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?Woman asks, 'Excuse me, do you have the time?' You : 'Do you have the energy?'You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?Hi, I make more money than you can spend. I'm new in town. . . could you give me directions to your apartment?I think you're the most beautiful girl I've seen. . . on a WednesdayI know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes. Are you religious? Good, cause I'm here to answer your prayers. Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven. Inheriting 80 million doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now. Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.


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Bumper Stickers - 4

I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.


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Sporting Joke

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is. 'mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm. ' 'I'm sorry, what did you say?' 'mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm. ' 'I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you. ' The successful man spits something into his hand. 'You've got to keep your worms warm. '


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Funny Famous Joke

Q: What did the digital clock say to his mother? A: Look ma no hands!


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School Joke

College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college. ) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life ('1



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