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College Humor - Student Jokes

Our fabulous collection of interesting college jokes that may help distract you from that awful assignment you need to get in tomorrow!!!!

Category: College Humor Jokes about: college rankings etc etc

 

Marriage Joke

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him. Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own. Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms. Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. Show off: A child who is more talented than yours. Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. Verbal: Able to whine in wordsWhodunit: None of the kids that live in your house. Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into 'get a sponge. '


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Burger Joke

When does a hamburger wear a look like a smile button? When somebody says, 'Well done'!


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Bar Joke - 2

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.


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School Joke for Kids

There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up. The the hooker's gramma came and said 'Why are all of you girls lined up?'The girl didn't want her gramma to know what she did for a living so the girl said 'We're lined up to buy oranges'The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to gramma the police said 'How do you do it, you're so old?!?'Gramma says - 'It's easy, just peel it down and suck it dry!'


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Bumper Stickers - 7

You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.


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Dance Joke

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. 'All you have to do' she told her class 'is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around. '


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Book title Joke

Garden Water Features by Lily Pond


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Spoof Joke

My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, 'What was that for?' 'Nothing. DO something and see what you get. 'I once got smacked and when I asked, 'What was that for?' my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about. 'If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank). . . . . I want you to go find something for me to spank you with. Mother to my Father: 'He's got my looks and your brains!' 'He's your son!'I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. What were you thinking of? 'Well, I. . . ' DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING. Mom, can I. . . [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom. . . [Interrupting] NO!Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own! You're in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:'00


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Mad Joke

Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes. Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles. The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus. At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done. . . Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in. A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor. 'How many poles did your group set?' He asked. 'Two. ' Replied the Blonde forewoman. 'What! Just, two!' exclaimed the Supervisor. 'The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?''It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us, ' replied the Blonde. 'But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!'


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Computing Joke

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size. 9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas. 8. The U. S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first. 7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light. 6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads. 5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. 4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats. 3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal. 2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car. 1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.



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