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College Humor - Student Jokes

Our fabulous collection of interesting college jokes that may help distract you from that awful assignment you need to get in tomorrow!!!!

Category: College Humor Jokes about: college party etc etc

 

Computer Joke

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A: Successive approximations


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Aviation Joke

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. 'All set back here, Captain, ' came the reply, 'except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards. '


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Clinton Joke

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face? A: He is stupid!


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Ethnic Humor

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. ''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease, '' says the waiter. The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?'' The Russian says, ''What's a steak?'' The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''


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Gender Joke

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY. I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY. I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED. I'm tired. I'VE GOTTA GO. Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT'S WRONG?I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. WHAT'S WRONG?What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. $50 and it doesn't look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LET'S TALK, HONEY. I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.


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Joke Online

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. 'You only have six months to live. 'The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, 'There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist. 'The doctor asks, 'You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?'The man says, 'Better one of them should die than one of us!'


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Computing Joke

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, 'Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go. 'Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, 'Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?' Looking slightly puzzled, God said, 'Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?'Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, 'I think I'll try Hell first. ' So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. 'This is great, ' he thought, 'if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven. 'Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. 'So, how is everything going?' God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, 'This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place. . . . with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?'That was the demo, ' replied God.


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Military Joke

Q: What is the best Iraqi job ? A: Foreign Ambassador


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Kids Fairy Tale Joke

Jack stole a golden harp from the giant. Why couldn't he play it?
Because it took a lot of pluck!

Jack was always a grubby boy. You know what they say?
You can lead a boy to water but you can't make him wash!


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Computing Joke

You kiss your girlfriend's home page. A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28. 8. . . ISDN. . . cable modem. . . T1. . . T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You start introducing yourself as 'Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has its own home page. Your dog's homepage is actually good. You can't call your mother. . . she doesn't have a modem. You check your mail. It says 'no new messages. ' So you check it again. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. You wake up at 3 a. m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because 'Daddy's got work to do' and you don't even have a job. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. Your wife makes a new rule: 'The computer cannot come to bed. ' You get a tatoo that says 'This body best viewed with Netscape 2. 01or higher. ' You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP. . . because you never log off. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage. . . so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the 'back' button.



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