College Humor - Student
collection of interesting college jokes that may help distract you
from that awful assignment you need to get in tomorrow!!!!
Category: College Humor Jokes about: cheap student car insurance etc etc
Kids School Joke
Where do frogs keep their treasure?In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!
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'Can you help me? asked Alice. 'No, ' said Negative. 'I'm looking for a white consultant. ' Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. 'Did he go this way?' she asked. 'No, ' said Negative. She pointed the other way. 'Yes, ' said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read 'UNIX Conference. ' Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. 'Wrong flavor, ' they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. 'Grep, ' it exclaimed. 'Don't mind him, ' explained the Mad Hacker. 'He's just looking for some string. ' 'Nroff?' asked the Frog. The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. 'Here, ' he said, 'what do you think of this?' 'It looks lovely, ' said Alice, 'very sweet. ' She tried a spoonful. 'Yuck!' she cried. 'It's awful. What is it?' 'Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX, ' answered the Hacker. Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. 'Who's he?' she asked. 'That's OS Too, ' explained the Hacker. 'We've pretty much given up on waking him. 'Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. 'Ladies and gentlemen, ' he trumpeted pompously, 'as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at. . . ' A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly. '. . . what our NextStep will be. 'Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised. 'What we need, ' declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue, ' is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh. 'Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. 'No, no, no! he screamed. 'No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants!' 'Awk, ' said the Frog. 'Users, ' explained the Sun Bear, 'want an easy interface that they will not have to learn. ' 'Users?' cried the Consultant in disbelief. 'Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!' 'Well, ' responded the Sun Bear, 'we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX. ' 'Do you think, ' said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, 'that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man. ' 'Maybe we should try another name, ' suggested the Job Sparrow, 'like Brut, or Rambo. ' 'Penix, ' suggested a Penguin. 'Mount, ' said the Frog, 'spawn. ' Alice slapped him. 'Nice?' he asked. 'But then again, ' suggested the Woodpecker, 'what about the shrinkwrap issue?' Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again. 'Now that that's settled, ' said the Woodpecker, 'let's go back to tasting flavors. ' Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. 'Wrong flavor, ' they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left. Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her. 'Rem, ' is said, 'edlin. ' Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. 'Those are queer sounding words, ' she said, 'but at least I know what they mean. ' 'Chkdsk, ' said the Frog. 'Alice in UNIX land' was created by Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989
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You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say 'oh geez, better get cracking' and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming 'Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!' 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, 'I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. ' Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, 'I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?' 8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say 'They've found me, I have to leave the country' and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out 'Merry Christmas. 'If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ) 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out 'Forget this!' and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, 'the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!' 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling 'I'm here, the phantom of the opera' until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say 'you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!' 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . like history notes for a calculus exam. . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment 'Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. ' 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say 'it helps me think. ' Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase 'Told you so'. 50. Answer the exam with the 'Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher. '
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The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over supper. 'Get this. . . ' he chuckled, 'That ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one. ' 'Hmmmmmmmmm, ' said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type expression, 'must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor. '
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Blonde Joke - 1
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the 'Vacant' sign up?Did you hear about the blonde who was an M. D. --Mentally Deficient?Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
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Why are elephants no good at Net surfing? Because they're scared of the mouse.
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10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels. 9. When was the last time you tuned in to 'Melrose Place' and got a 'Error 404' message? 8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV. 7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening. 6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard. 5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an 'Under Construction' sign. 4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in. 3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web. 2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO. 1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
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Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said, 'So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses. '
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Bumper Stickers - 3
Fat people are hard to kidnap.
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When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: 'Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it. 'This is the voice of Satan. I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales. I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. 'I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets' is a typical breakfast order for me these days. This is because I went snowboarding. For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, 'Cool. 'People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together. We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill). If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, 'I'm just catching my breath!' in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw. At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance. So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing. In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range. Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you. Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc. Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope. Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete. You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head. )We learned snowboarding via a two step method:STEP ONE: Watching Brad do something. STEP TWO: Trying to do it ourselves. I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics. I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot. 'Keep your knees bent!' Brad would yell, helpfully. Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if THAT would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, 'FORGET MY KNEES! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE GRAVITY CHUNKS!'Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me. If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding. So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.